It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
why am I working on Labor Day
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
jesus, what did this guy do
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.