If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping