If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday