@Thedudish: It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
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@rickolantern: [courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]
@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
@shkeeber: Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could've just gone outside and saved yourself $50.