Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
what
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.