It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
he’s doing your taxes
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.