It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.