It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)