It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Breaking news:
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
🔦🌙👣
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
finally
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.