It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
is this meant to deter me
Is….Is this an option?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.