It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.