EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
LMAO
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.