It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Best mom ever 😂
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂