Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
the answer was staring at me all along
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?