I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You Might Also Like
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Autocorrect completely socks
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”