@UnFitz: It's called "personal grooming" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.
@daemonic3: What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
@pmclellan: So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
@MatCro: GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
G: Only u didn't give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair