It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while