It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Here’s a meme
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now