Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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Home #decor warning.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.