It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Trying
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.