It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Monday
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
it’s the silliest best thing
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.