“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Ummm
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*