“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Every haunted house movie:
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break