IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*