IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Phones down.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
🔦🌙👣
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]