“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
is this meant to deter me
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)