@Cheeseboy22: "It's cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I'm so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don't have to go to Facebook today. You're welcome.
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@HeyZeus666: Fatherhood Tip : If there's puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you're holding the baby upside down.
@carlyken: [bedtime] brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US me: SLEEP brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
@TheHyyyype: MOM: your friends smoke weed so now u do? ME: uh- MOM: if they jumped off a bridge, would u jump too? ME: guess it depends how high i was