“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.