Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
A collection of me turning into random objects.