Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.