My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
podcasts
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens