it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.