it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Cat.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Finally, an explanation.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.