Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Otters see a butterfly.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”