@caraweinberger: It's crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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@hyperseas: Guys, don't ever tell a girl that she's yummier than a gummy bear, she'll know it's not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
@kellysoloduka: ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?
@bakedbrotatoes: -This is my son Michelangelo. -Oh, like the artist. -Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
@TheToddWilliams: [Emergency Room] MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy