It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Lube but for my dry humor.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow