Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
A dad and his duck
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.