@Paxochka: It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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@WilliamAder: My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
@korryduke: Hey people with one syllable names...... Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks
@Ristolable: Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said "file this under sad." WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
@FattMernandez: [On WebMD] I have a sore throat [Throat cancer] I wasn't done, and a stomach ache. [Cancer] Couldn't it be the flu? [If it wasn't cancer]