It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you