It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.