@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
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@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.
@Vodkantots: I never said that I hated you! All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.
@myonlymizztake: I got a text from an unknown number that said "Game on." It's either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.