@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
@SamGrittner: *goes to pond* *duck hands me $100* "Give me the hard stuff." *hands over bag of croutons*
@Humor_Fetish: Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
@ReeseButCallMeV: Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work? Me: Because you have no imagination!