@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
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@KevinFarzad: "Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
@LMHPhotog: Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you've got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.
@DaHess1: If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.
@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."