@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
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@_ElvishPresley_: INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum! *11 people die* INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
@PhuckinCody: wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?! [later] ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should've called the fire department
@Reverend_Scott: Apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time.