@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
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@RxitWounds: *Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
@eddiepepitone: I'm with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
@doritoburritho: [using ouija board] Why isn't he responding to us? I'm annoyed H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D