It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.