Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?