If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out