It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?