@findmydolls: It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
@krisv_723: *My neighbor rolls over in bed. Me: You really shouldn't sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
@CarpentersCrack: I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
@mugkip: "DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease