It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
In banana years, I am bread.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
my favorite genre of twitter
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.