It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes