“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
wtf is an acronym
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.