Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
You Might Also Like
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m not wrong
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me: