Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
ok this is my dumbest yet
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey