It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.