It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence