“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The prophecy is fulfilled
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?