I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
yeah 😭
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
#milo
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.