What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
describing stardew valley
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
repaired
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms