@myles_morrison: It's easier to get away with stealing someone's stroller if you're dressed as a jogger.
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@Jay_FrickinLynn: I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.
@Mr_Kapowski: "Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...