(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My Sentiments Exactly
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
sleeping beauty
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.